 January 12, 1906 Liverpool, England February 24, 1998 New York City |
Henny
Youngman Comedian |
Take my wife . . . . .Please! I flew on an airplane. The food was fit for a king. Here, King! A guy comes up to me and says, 'I haven't eaten in two days.' I told him, 'Force yourself.' A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?' The first part of our marriage was very happy, then, on the way back from the ceremony . . . . I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself. My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out. Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. I made a killing in the stock market. I shot my broker. There were three kids in my family. One of each sex. My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better. He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting. Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men. I'll never forget my first words in the theater. "Peanuts. Popcorn." He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny. This guy asked his doctor, `Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says `Sure.' And the guy says, `Funny, I couldn't do it before.' Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, `Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, `Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.' " My doctor told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, "OK, you're ugly, too." I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother, Fellow walks into a doctor. Doctor says, 'You're gonna live to be 80.' Fellow says, 'I am 80.' Doctor says, 'What did I tell you?' To my nephew Irving, who still keeps asking me to mention him in my will: `Hello, Irving! Getting on a plane to Chicago, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!" I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!" The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!" A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Don't do that!" The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!" A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!" "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!" Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...." A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says "Next!" A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 30 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started." Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!" I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt. A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!" Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!" I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers." I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him. The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. This man dresses like an unmade bed. Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!" Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!" His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off! During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland. A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to. Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away. A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living." Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything." If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope. I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium. A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!" A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?" A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!" A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The woman says, "Where's his wheelchair?" A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday." A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking." A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!" In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!" I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him. My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of. My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo. My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick". My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!" An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks! A little man is running a Jewelry store. A man runs in saying "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says "C-C-C-Come in?" A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..." I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!" Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece. Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket. A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe! A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot! A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out. How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower. A Polish man had a bandage on both ears. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!" A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Home Depot. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…." I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me! My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. My wife has a black belt in shopping. My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair. My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week. My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!" My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake. My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree! She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." If I had blood, I'd blush. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. The waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant! I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive? If you have your life to live over again, don't do it. He was born on April 2. A day late. I'd like to say we're glad you're here -- I'd like to say it... He gives his wife something to look forward to -- a divorce. Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far? I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free? Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there. Look at him, sex takes a holiday! She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time? You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler. If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. She has a wash and wear bridal gown. You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready. You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. You have a nice personality, but not for a human being. The more I think of you, the less I think of you. Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop? Take my wife . . . . .Please! |
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