If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

If you won't/don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Birthdays, anniversaries, and Valentine's are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Deal with it.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!

No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries, birthdays and other events you want us to remember on the calendar. That increases the chance we'll remember by 50 percent.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?

"Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway, it's genetic.

You can either tell us to do something - or - tell us how to do something, but not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

All men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.