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Rodney
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I don't get no respect |
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| My wife only has
sex with me for a purpose. Last night she
used me to time an egg. It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home! A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.' I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off. I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. One year they wanted to make me the poster boy for birth control. My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. My wife is such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet. I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. I was so ugly when I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.' My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer. I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night. My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with. I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie. I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Men who do things without being told draw the most wages My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light. On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it. What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair. Its lonely on the top when there`s no one on the bottom. |
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